We packed light, but…

It was a good time, we were travelling together & on the mid-way it happened. We were a little cold & wanted to have some coffee, we stepped out of the bus & got ourselves hot cups of what we were craving.

We are comfortable with silences, like those times we were working or watching/ reading/writing, sleeping in the same room many times next to each other & having absolutely no problems in that. We embrace friendships like it's god's way to communicate with us through different people. It was midnight on the highway, the wind was good & we could feel our hair waving & suddenly She said..

She:- Can i ask you something?
Me:- Yeah sure. (thinkin since when we started using this sentence)
She:- Why have you been acting weird lately?
Me:- umm, no. Why'd you ask? Since when you're feeling this way?
She:- idk, 4-5 days?
Me:- umm?
She:- I don't feel good when you touch me, please don't do that.
Me:- okay I don't know when did i do that? But if I made you feel that way l'm truly sorry, there are no wrong intentions here. (My brain was numb, it stayed that way for 4 days straight)

We went inside the bus, she sitting on my right side on the window seat, we were on the way to mountains. Every time the bus would take a right I'd hold myself so that I don't even touch a little bit, meanwhile the guy on my left is all over me, asleep with no control over his movements.

Something was damn wrong, i was shattered. I'm not the guy who'd touch someone that way. She's a bro to me. My favourite human story if i would love to write. No way, I didn't touch her that way bat we stay normal we do handshake, hug, fight, push, assist each other just like everyone else. How does a touch feel different? There has to be a gesture. I don't do such gestures on anyone who's a friend.

This has nothing to do with gender. What the hell is wrong with us." This was all in my head giving me peak anxiety. Literally, her "can i ask you something" voice it stayed in mind.

The Journey

Roadways buses, that's right. They help us moving. We live those travellers explorers Who go out & have no idea of how many days we'll stay there & when we'll move to the next place. Well, just packing our bags & getting to station, took a bus the old fashioned way. That's how we reached Rishikesh.

She has a room in an hostel here, i was to be crashing & enjoying. And we were back to talking normal. In the morning, we met her friends, ate, had good conversations, everybody welcomed me, it was so good.

Went on Ganga dips everyday, there is a way from there, ganga was quite near & obviously we know a spot. Went to a roadside swimming pool later, had pakoras & chai. All good but we weren't communicating to each other. And i never so alone while being with so many people & enjoying activities. It was like i knew no one & maybe that was even true.

Days passed, we kept exploring. Something in me was dead. I wanted to walk alone now, i went out in the evening, going through market, different looking people all over the place, got myself rudraksh bracelet that i still wear. And i sat down on the ghat, experienced ganga arti & the sunset at the same time. Never in my life i had so much pain settling for good all at once. I took no photos on that trip, 4-5 maybe. I sat alone for long, remembered my late grandfather, I could cry but it was different. Good deep breath & i was sailing through mental health.

A call from Jaipur, my friend was meeting his ex, wanted me to be with him. She got me munchies, gave me a warm & healing hug, had me dropped at the bus station.

Understanding

Well, the thought of touching her disturbed me.

Well, we met again. And it was like fresh. We had our friends, she was in the city, everybody was excited. Only this time i was focusing on gestures.

And i guessed what must have went wrong.

I remember she telling me about her past, the way it was abused was tragic, the way she survived & thriving is an absolute success story. When I'd slide my hand on her hair something must be wrong with that. Because that's not something I normally do. It's just i make fun of some situations and did this gesture to express that. Maybe this takes her back to her memories. Maybe that's how her ptsd must have been triggered. All this while i was to blame myself. I went on google & read everything about her conditions. I grew up a little more. Finally, i knew that ptsd not only triggers when they're touched violently, it all depends on the individual living with it. We should be educated to take care of the people around us. We need to be aware. All of us can do better.

Mental health can affect any relationship if one's not aware.

When i was moving to Mumbai a person wrote to me "wish you many stories" and the very first day the city introduced me to a beautiful person with a huge travelling bag & I can't thank the universe & myself enough for that. I became a better friend & we have so much to cherish for life. Healthy long lasting relationships are not found but built together.